Attunement Lab: Healing from chronic emotional mis-attunement

A -- Acknowledge that you were emotionally mis-attuned to (psychoeducation)  

“When you begin to understand how something was not OK that happened to you, it can begin the healing process.”

Many people walked on eggshells around a parent growing up, and are puzzled as to why they are struggling in adulthood. When caregivers are consumed with their own anxiety or triggered reactions, they fail to meet their child’s needs of attention and care. This little ‘t’ trauma is a trauma of omission. It is about what the child did not receive, so they don’t know what they are missing. “How are you feeling?” “It’s OK that you are sad,” “Sorry I just hurt you,” were hardly uttered in these homes.  When this failing happens repeatedly over years, the child eventually goes numb to their longing for co-regulation and to be known. Many cope with relentless self-sufficiency, making sure to hide when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. It’s just not safe to be vulnerable when struggling. The go-to strategies of achievement and perfectionism at the cost of self-abandonment become the norm.

On the outside, many of these families look enviable, with cars in both garages and two parents at home paying for private school. So when comments like: “What, that bothers you?” “You don’t really feel that,” are common-place, the child resorts to thinking: “What’s wrong with me? Why is this so hard, this is nothing compared to real abuse.” Denying they feel gut-punched when dismissed by their Mom. Resisting their healthy yearning to feel felt. These early wounds of emotional abuse can then be re-triggered in adulthood in marriages with partners who are less attuned, being single for much longer than you want to be, dealing with older parents, and toxic team cultures at work too. Chronic emotional aloneness and self-doubt can lead to depression, substance abuse, personality disorders, complex attachment trauma, and irritable bowel syndrome to name a few. Often the ones mis-attuning to us, had it harder, never learning emotional nurturing skills themselves, and thus the cycle of emotional abuse marches forward.

By acknowledging that you did not get your emotional needs met and you've been compensating for these, you can start to heal. The rest of the ATTUNE process walks you through steps of meeting your emotional needs and healing old wounds.